“If We Were Having Coffee”- Where I’ve Been

I may be a little late to the party… But I recently read about. New trend called #weekendcoffeedate where bloggers share what they’d tell their readers over a cup of coffee. Now I know I don’t have a huge following… But I think it was important to me to finally talk to my friends about where I’ve been, and why I stopped posting for awhile. So here we go…

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that the past year has been the hardest of my life. It wasn’t the move to a new city or a new job (although the stressful news environment doesn’t help). I’ve been fighting depression and an anxiety disorder. I’ve been struggling for awhile… but this fall it finally boiled over. I tried to hide panic attacks that hit during work, or when I was out with friends. In the end I was having some pretty severe physical symptoms associated with it. All of this forced me to take medical leave from work… A move that’s been incredibly embarrassing, especially when people ask me what’s wrong.

I am so lucky to have a fantastic team of family, friends and doctors who’ve supported me along the way. I couldn’t have done it without them. Still… many people who are very important to me had no idea. It makes me feel weak for talking about it. People say I’m brave for taking care of myself and recognizing that I needed help, but in reality I feel like I’m disappointing everyone: my friends who I flake on because I’m having a bad day, my family because they worry about me and my co-workers because they’re short-staffed while I get better. I know I need to focus on myself but it’s hard.

This fight has turned cooking, once a source of joy, into a chore. I barely want to make a microwaveable meal for myself, let alone think of new blog posts. I’m trying my hardest to recover… To get better. To return to work. To find joy again.

The good days are getting a little more frequent. That could be a result of spring… But I hope it means I’m starting to pull myself out of it. I have a long way to go, but I’m trying, and I refuse to give up.

Thanks for listening. (Or reading I guess)