It sounds silly to say a food blog has a “dark side,” but for me mine definitely did. When I started this blog over a year ago, the point was to be healthy….. and by that i mean lose weight. I thought that if I posted some low calorie/low fat recipes that I could help myself slim down. I love food and cooking, and blog would hold me accountable to my goal. It worked. I was eating less calories, working out more and losing weight.
What I didn’t realize is that I was on the verge of not eating enough. I would get startling cravings that would last all day and couldn’t be satiated. I stopped feeling hungry. And that’s when the trouble started… I began binging and purging…I was bulimic.
This wasn’t the first time it happened, it been a problem on and off since college. When I told my boyfriend at the time his response was: “Never do it again or I’ll tell your parents and send you to the hospital.” While he was right, and I shouldn’t be throwing up what I ate, the response was starling. It wasn’t helping me. That comment made me think to myself: “Ok, well I won’t tell you or anyone else.” And I didn’t… for years.
My eating disorder was never severe enough to force me to go to a doctor. It didn’t happen every day or even every month… that was until last year. My eating disorder and depression took over my life. It wasn’t until last fall that I began to get help. Since my first therapy appointment my eating disorder hasn’t beat me. That doesn’t mean there aren’t days when I still hate how my body looks, or obsess over what I eat, but with help from some amazing doctors every day is getting a little bit better.
The Future of My Food Blog
So why tell this amazingly embarrassing amount of information about myself? Why am I willing to tell the world the dirty little secret about myself? I want my blog to now help other people. I want to turn it into a source of hope for others. I think it’s hard to talk about eating disorders. I think there’s a lot of shame behind them and for that reason a lot of people don’t get help. I want to be healthy… the *REAL* healthy. Make it about enjoying food while getting a lot of nutrients, not just losing weight.
For my birthday last month I got one of the best birthday presents I’ve ever gotten in my life. A Shun chef knife. This knife isn’t messing around. I turned a tomato into confetti. This knife was given to me by someone so important to me, who has been by my side through the depression and the eating disorder. Someone who has encouraged me to cook despite my struggle with food.
So I take this knife and move forward with recipes that will make me happy. The goal is to post recipes that are fairly easy to cook. I know when I’m having down days, the energy to actually cook is hard. I want to post recipes that aren’t super restricting, and that can hopefully help others struggling with the same issues.
The world is filled with diet trends and “skinny” recipes. I’m ready to start something new. Food you can feel good about and enjoy. I promise there won’t be 8 lbs of butter in a recipe, but I also know I won’t be afraid to use a little. It’s all about balance… at least that’s what I’m trying for.
I promise my future blog posts won’t be as depressing. I’ve had a few that have showed a lot of my soul. But I’m hoping from this point it’s all about moving forward. My food isn’t just for those who are struggling. It’s for everyone, and it’s hopefully recipes everyone can feel good about.